Evil It's new name's Mary Sue
by Fever-Sama
Summary: -Abandoned- On the way to Mustang's office, The elric brothers met up with a beautiful girl who defeated a giant chimera in one go. However, escaping from her is now the main priority...
1. Please welcome Miss Mary Sue!

**Hi! This is my first fanfic EVA!!! Plz review! Rememberz I do not own Fma! Hiromu Arakawa does! Who knows what I would have done with it if it was mine...**

**BTW...Manga based. Al has his body back and y'know, Selim Bradly's a hommunculus and all that...it's kinda based on brotherhood as well.**

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Once upon a time, two brothers skipped merrily off to see the Colonel and report about their FANTASTIC mission! They were so excited about this because they did their job so fantastically they might get a medal! Or get promoted to Colonels even if the younger brother wasn't in the military! They were thrilled!

…Ok, screw all that.

The truth was that their mission went fantastically…wrong. The Homunculi escaped, left a bunch of chimeras around and left them to tidy up said chimeras before they ate anybody's brains. Sooner or later, the country would be turned into a library of philosopher stones. And, if that wasn't enough, there's this psycho Ishballan that's trying to kill them both and hang their entrails on some random wall like a trophy.

…I was exaggerating. Just a little.

Anyways, they trudged along to the office and then they saw this absolutely GINORMOUS chimera, presumably a combo of Gorilla and Dinosaur DNA. (Dinosaur bone DNA. Dinosaurs don't go around trampling everything, you freak!)

"Holy crap!" Yelled Ed, and held his left arm over his right one, ready turn the Automail into a blade.

Al pulled on a pair of gloves with Transmutation circles sewn on it, not unlike The Colonel. Mind, Ed wasn't too thrilled about Al copying Mustang's ideas earlier that year.

The Chimera swung its mighty claws at Al, who just ducked away in time before he was killed. Ed wasn't faring much better. He was too busy trying to not die himself; now, that's a lesson for you, kiddies. Dinosaur tails are a deadly weapon. If there's a big, bad bully somewhere out there then raid your local museum. Or the weapon store.

Suddenly, there was this flash of blue alchemic lightning and a girl with pink hair and blonde streaks turned herself into a pink unicorn. The unicorn then leapt up and stabbed the chimera in its heart with a beautiful holy blade encrusted everywhere with beautiful jewels and also pairs of wings.

"Go in peace, pitiful creature." The unicorn said. "You do not deserve to be in this world."

And so, the Chimera was shone on by a beam of light from the sky and disappeared in a shower of pink sparkles.

Ed was speechless.

...

.....

........

......

I rest my case.

"How...how the F*** did you do that?!" whispered Edward. "And now, when I wake up, it will be all a dream..."

"Sorry about my brother, miss." Said Al, after finally getting a grip on real life (Or, as real as FMA can get, anyway). "What's your name?"

"Oh!" Said the pink unicorn after turning back into a girl with a melodic vioce. "I am Sarah Light Pink Blossom Glitter Honey SparkleRose! Pleased to meet you, Alphonse Elric-sama! Do you want to hear my life story?"

"Um...actually, we..." began Al, but was cut short.

"You would? Great!" Said Sarah Light Pink Blossom Glitter...as she walked towards them in trance-like steps. Flowers and butterflies sprouted out of nowhere behind her. " So, i had a tyrannic father and an abusive mother! I was killed, but the Truth was so sad by the loss of such an innocent, pure soul who would have one thousand Philosopher Stones created from her soul ALONE that he revived me and granted me the gift of turning into a pink, sparkly unicorn!" Piped Sarah Light Pink Blossom...whatever. "Then Edward Elric-sama found me and fell in love with me! Then Mr. Mustang fell in love with me too, but I felt so guilty on cheating Edward Elric-sama that I commited Suicide and Truth revived me again! And you fell in love with me too, and you died, so I revived you and Edward Elric-sama wanted to kill you because he loved me, but I convinced you two to stop fighting but Mr. Mustang still loved me, so he killed me because he was jealous, and then he killed himself, and I revived myself and then him. I convinced everybody to be friends later on! Isn't that just fabby?" Then she attatched herself on to Edward's chest, which will later on have breathing difficulties.

_What kind of parents would give her THAT kind name??!!_ Thought Al. Ed was too...occupied at that moment.

"Wait." Hissed Ed, after finally peeling Sarah Light Pink Blossom...So on's perfectly tanned arms off his neck (Because he needed to breathe.) "If you've revived people including yourself..."

"Five times." Said Sarah Light Pink...etc with graceful pride.

"...Whatever. But that means, you're an immortal, walking Philosopher's stone AND shape-shifting alchemist-chimera? That's impossible and against all logic! It defies every single law at least five times! Not even Father can manage that! And *Insert long list of science-y theory here.* So, leave us alone, you...you half-assed demented Homunculus!"

"Brother!" Scolded Al before he turned back to Sarah Light Pink... who was starting to water her sea-blue, ruby-red, amber-gold, emerald-green eyes. "Sorry, he didn't mean to..."

But Sarah Light...wasn't listening to the younger Elric.

"I'm no homunculus! You commited suicide and I revived you at the cost of ten thousand souls! Don't you remember?" She sobbed, her beautiful voice trembling. Then she turned to Al. "I revived you as well, Alphonse-sama! We went out together!" Sarah (yeah, I'll just call her Sarah now) grabbed Al's shirt and started strangling Al with her Fangirly Glomp of Doom.

"Don't you dare touch my brother!" Growled Ed.

"But brother...," Al managed to choke out.

"No buts! Every single thing she says is a lie! I haven't had a girlfriend in my life, neither have you! And we must have had known if we died!"

"It's all so fresh in my memory..." Sarah whimpered in a shrill voice as big pearly teardrops fell out of her eyes. "I could see you sacrificing yourself to save me from Envy...and he killed you, and...and then the Gate appeared, and..." She then carried on her terribly sad life-story in a high pitch while crying in the process of getting too emotional. Both Elrics were feeling extremely disgusted/scared/creeped out.

Ed tugged at Al's sleeve. "C'mon, let's scram. We won't stand a chance against her if she really is a Philosopher's stone, a fangirl AND a unicorn combined...Ok,emergency maneuver...three...two...one...wha...what do you mean you're afraid of her? Whatever, just do it! Three..two...one..."

The Elric Brothers split up into two directions and ran as fast as their feet carried them....while Sarah rambled on.

"Where are we going??" Panted Al after they met up in a nearby park shrub.

"To Mustang's office. I don't care if he taunts me with the S-word one hundred times, as long as he saves me from that...that thing. At least he'll be capable of that much." Said Edward, trying to give hope to his little brother.

"There you are!" Squeaked Sarah with angels chorusing in the background and levitated Ed off the ground. "Did I tell you that I have Telekinesis?" Then she giggled. Ed paled.

"Shit!" Screamed Ed. "Someone help me! Al, fetch the Bastard Colonel! I don't care if he taunts me with the S-word, or burn me to ashes! Just get him! Or anybody else! Even the Homuncoli...just get someone...anyone...except this...!"

It was too late. Sarah has tightened her grip. "I want to hug you, and squeeze you, and get married...do you luurve me?" After that, she pulled Ed into a romantic sunset where turtle doves were singing and butterflies fluttered everywhere behind her. Then the rain came down. It soaked everything except Susan and Ed who still had rays of sunlight beaming down on them.

Al ran away. Quickly. To Mustangs office.

But on the way, he found a cute little stray kitten. He picked it up and petted it before letting it curl up in in of his bigger pockets.

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**Pretty please review! The more you do, the more Sues we'll kill!**

**Fever:HELL YEAH! DOWN WITH THE SUES! MUAHAHAHA..........**


	2. The scarilypink castle

**Fever:GOOD GOING, MY FELLOW SUE-HATERS! WE'VE HAD OVER 2 SUES DEAD IN THE LAST 2 DAYS!**

**Remember, I still own Fullmetal Alchemist.**

**Wait, no I don't. (Crap.)**

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**Last time, Sarah Light Pink Blossom Glitter what-not has kidnapped Ed to who-knows-where to do who-knows-what. If I described it in any form of detail this fic would not be rated T. Anyways, Al has gone to seek ye holy advice from King Arthur...

....sorry. Wrong script.

Al picked up a kitten, Sarah's demented, Ed's panicking and I'm writing this fic. If you're name's Sarah, I apologise. If you're demented...no comment.

After Sarah flew many miles with her golden wings she and Ed arrived at a giant hot pink castle (Which sparkled so brightly and so beautifully Ed had to shield his eyes from the monstrosity) which still had beams of light coming down from the sky on it. Nearby, it was raining so heavily (Left over from the last chapter) you could see the immediate difference.

"So, what d you think?" asked Sarah with choirs of angels 'Hallelujah'-ing in the background. "Isn't it pretty?"

"Mmmpphhh!!!" Said Ed, who was a little 'tied up' at the moment.

"This is Happy-Happy-Fluffy Meadow Castle." Continued Sarah while ignoring the muffled screams of the older Elric. "Isn't it just delightful? Let's go inside!"

Edward made a mental note to kill himself so he can ask Truth what the hell was going on here on Earth, but for the sake of Alphonse, Winry, Granny and for this fic to have a plotline he decided not to. After all, there's still the Womaniser Pyro, who he hoped would save him.

How ironic. The brave and noble main character is going to end up being rescued by one of the minor cast.

The inside was even more pink that the outside. Pink bedrooms, pink kitchens, pink bathrooms, pink lounge, red dungeon...

Wait. RED dungeon???

Ed looked around. It was red. Blood red. He REALLY hoped it wasn't REALLY what he thought it was. The pink was bad enough.

Fortunatly, Sarah decided to move onwards from the red dungeon and went up an gold and amethyst staircase. She stopped and removed the gag from Edward's mouth gently.

"This will be your room. "Said Sarah happily (A tad too much so.) "Don't worry, nobody knows about this place except me, my friends and my ex-boyfriends."

Ed hoped it would be known by at least somebody else besides the people mentioned above.

"How many boyfriends did you have?" Asked Ed, who will very soon regret asking.

"Oh, just a couple hundred." Replied Sarah (while Ed stared in disbelief.) "Goodnight, darling!" Then she skipped merrily away while pink sparkly roses sprouted out of the gold carpet behind her to manicure her perfectly manicured nails.

Ed stared at the door. It was the only wooden door in the entire castle/mansion/torture chamber. In the lock was a brass key, and fortunatly it wasn't furnished with excessive amounts of ruby. Having nothing better to do, he turned the key VERY slowly, bracing himself for the fangirly room on the other side of the door.

He turned the doorknob.

He squeezed his eyes tightly shut and pushed it open just a little.

When his eyes were still able to function properly he shoved the poor innocent door open into the brick wall. The door shattered into smithereens and regenerated itself afterwards.

The room wasn't as bad as Ed thought. It was quite simply furnished with a bed covered with linen sheets and cotton duvets, a table with a lamp, a small sofa, wardrope and a bookshelf with lots of bishonen pictures shoved in them.

Edward, once again having nothing better to do, pulled out some of the pictures from the middle shelf. (Obviously, he wanted to try the top shelf but couldn't quite reach)

The pictures were of his family while his mother was still alive. Al losing a tooth when he bit into an apple and then holding it up with pride like all children do. Then another of Ed realising his mother puts milk into his favorite stew for the first time. Ed filed them back into bookshelf and drew out a sheet of paper, starting to tear up a little from the memories the photos gave back to him.

This paper wasn't a photo. It looked something like a letter...adressed to him. It said...

_...Dear Edward Elric._

_OMG YOU'RE SO HOT..._In perfectly written joint-up, illegibly small script a couple thousand times.

Ed scrunched it up and tossed it away in disgust to a corner of the room before he got halfway down the letter.

**Back to Al.**

"Colonel!!" Panted Al after damaging the door to the office.

"Calm down, Alphonse." Said Riza, carrying a small stack of papers. "Tell us what's wrong." She gestured to Squad Mustang.

"..." A pause for breath later, "...andIdon'tknowwhereheis!!!" Al was starting to panic a little.

"So, let me get this straight." Said a very amused Mustang. "Fullmetal was carried off by a philosopher stone/unicorn hybrid sparkly girl."

Al nodded. "Something like that."

"Alphonse," Began Roy. "I am a perfectly normal, sane..."

Havoc snorted.

"...mature grown-up. If you expect me to believe such immaturely-made utter nonsense..."

Al sighed. "Sorry to bother you, Colonel." He slumped towards the door.

"...then you're right. I do believe you. So, when and where was the last time you saw them two?" Roy shifted from 'Shortie-insulting-Roy' Mode to 'Serious-Businesslike-Heroic-Roy' mode. Rather too quickly, I would like to mention.

"In a Central Park tree shrub, sir!" Al's heart was feeling a lot lighter. Finally, Truth was starting to favor them Just a little.

"What were they doing in a tree shrub?!" Havoc yelled, before receiving a haircut from Hawkeye's bullets. "Or should I not ask?"

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**Reviews are welcome! The Sues deserve to die horribly, after all!**


	3. Second Capture! Mustang

**Hello all! The Sue death toll has been raised to 4!**

**Oh, i forgot to mention; Thank you to all Mary-Sue bashing authors out there!**

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Previously, Sarah...etc...etc has pranced off to somewhere in an unaturally pink castle, leaving Ed in a room on his own, save a few FMA bishonen pictures. Al's requested help from Mustang (Obviously, if you've read the previous two chapters) and now, let's continue this fic.

In Mustang's office...

"So..."Said Mustang slowly. "This is the girl, right?"

"Yeah..."

On a piece of waste parchment was a cartoonish drawing of Sarah. The pink was replaced with red and the gold with yellow dye. Al even went to the trouble of borrowing some of Armstrong's sparkles.

"But Alphonse," Roy said. "I'm afraid that without solid evidence, we cannot go into action against this girl. We'd need the higher-up's permission to continue this mission."

"Oh..."

A small twitch came from Al's pocket.

"Oh no!" Cried Al as he finally scooped out the small kitten from his pocket. Well, at least he didn't sit on it.

When the kitten was held in Al's palms for about five seconds it was surrounded by grey smoke. Everyone in the office coughed a little.

"Hello..." Said an unfamiliar voice.

Everyone opened their eyes. In front of them was a young girl whose beauty rivalled Sarah's. Sparkling grey hair danced in the non-existant breeze.

"I am Starlight Melody Royal SilverMoon, the Light Alchemist!" To demonstrate, she fished a silver pocketwatch out of her sleek silver skirt. "And I love you, Mr. Mustang!"

Mustang didn't have a clue what was going on, but hey, he's getting a pretty hot girl.

"Hello, my lady." He said in a very gentlemanly way. "How can I be of assistance?" Then he flashed a toothy grin at Starlight, who squealed in delight.

"Oh, Roy, I have been looking for you through the entire Milky Way! I've searched in all the Nebulas, and I even risked my life to find you through a meteor storm!"

Mustang, who was pretty pleased with himself about three lines ago, was starting to get creeped out a little.

"Then I came back to earth, And what do I find...you abandoning your beautiful childhood friend who risked her life to save you for a sharpshooter woman!" She cried. Woah, moodswing.

"That's enough!" Hawkeye whisked out two guns from her holsters.

"I will fight for my love, no matter what it takes!" Screamed Starlight and clapped her hands together.

"...RIZA!" Yelled Mustang. "GET OUTTA HERE! SHE'S AN ALCHEMIST...!"

But Riza stood her ground like any brave woman in battle, instead of collapsing in a hero's arms, like any good Mary-Sue.

...It was a little while before Al noticed the kitten was missing. But, as he was a pretty sharp alchemist, he figured Starlight was similar to Sarah...both can turn into animals. But if Sarah had Telekinesis, then Starlight must've have had another power too...and maybe that's where Starlight's alchemy comes in.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -Five minutes later- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Mustang's office was a complete mess. Mind, it always was a complete mess, covered with papers and letters.

But this time it was different.

Bullet holed covered all the walls while stone statues of Starlight littered the floors. Mustang tried to stop them wrecking his office with fire, but it just made things worse. The rest of Mustang's men (Breda, Falman, Feury, Havoc) has hidden somewhere. They wanted to go on Starlight's side, with her being incredibly attractive, but they feared what Hawkeye'd do with them if they did.

Hawkeye slumped against a wall heavily. Blood was trickling down everywhere into a small pool. She knew she would not last much longer against Starlight's light alchemy-it cuts you everywhere. Skills like that should be considered magic, not alchemy.

"The final blow." Whispered Starlight softly. The bullets went through her like a rock through water; against all logic. Starlight lifted her beautiful pale arms up and...

"Why?"

All faces turned to Al.

"Why are you so intent on killing? 'Alchemy should be used for the masses.' That's an alchemist's joy and pride! You can't just go and kill somebody!"

"She's stolen my one true love! That cannot happen, for I am a perfect being!!" Starlight started to cry. When the tears came in contact with the air they turned into diamonds.

Mustang had to do something before things got out of hand. Or rather, Starlight did. She was pretty powerful...

"If...if I was to be your boyfriend...would...would you leave Riza alone..." He stammered, hoping he would not regret this...too much.

"Colonel!" Shouted Hawkeye, but had to stop; moving was painful and she lunged forward

"Okay!" Smiled Starlight without any hesitation. "Let's go to my place! It'll be fun!"

Before the two left, Mustang gave a hand signal, a sign his men knew very well.

They were going to wage war.

Then Feury and Falman moved towards the injured blonde to treat her injuries. Now they've seen Starlight's real self they were starting to feel threatened.

**_3 hours later, it the pink castle..._**

Ed leaned back against the wall behind his bed and stared at the sunset. He hoped Sarah hadn't gone off on a crazy giggle-fest; it was scaring him.

A black dot appeared in the sun, but Ed thought it was just him staring at the sun too much.

Then the dot got bigger...and clearer...and bigger still...until it revealed...

"M...Mustang??!" Ed was panicking. Mustang was the only ray of hope he had beside Al, but he didn't like to put his brother in danger.

Said Pyro Alchemist went through the window while a small laugh...eerily similar to Sarah's...echoed outside.

Being trapped with demented girls was bad enough, but now with Mustang _in the same room_, he wasn't sure if he would live up to the age of thirty.

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**Rate and Review...to kill the Sues! **


	4. Knowledge

**Yo.**

**Sue Death toll: 7! You guys are on fire!**

**Not literally, of course. I still don't own FMA.**

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In the last chapter Mustang, to stop another Mary Sue killing Hawkeye, sacrificed himself not-very-bravely so she could live. Of course, Ed isn't too pleased about that; being in the same room, I mean. The two Sues has gone out shopping just before this chapter so the guys were all alone...in the same room...

"Well, come up with something then, Fullmetal." Sighed Mustang. "We haven't got all day. Aren't you supposed to be a Prodigy?"

"Actually we do have all day. And for your information, I don't do thinking for rude people."

"I can't stand it here."

"Then bust us out, O Mighty Womanizer of the Universe." Sneered Ed.

"With what?!" Yelled back Mustang. "A pink magical pony?!"

After seeing Ed's face after the previous comment he decided for the subject to drop.

- - - - - -

"Ooh, Starlight!" Squealed Sarah. "This outfit suits you perfectly!"

"It does, doesn't it?" Smiled Starlight. "After all, you and I are of the same mind!"

"Oh my! Look...what a simply adorable pair of shoes! Let's go!"

And so, the two horrors pranced off to the shoe store.

- - - - - -

...

...

......

"GRAAH!!! I CAN'T STAND IT!!! IT'S SO BORING!!! MUST...BURN...STUFF..."

Ed decided that the Colonel was a couple of sparkles short of an Armstrong. Or a Sue.

His eyes darted around the room for a good escape route. The window unbreakable, the door indestructable (Well, now it is) and the ceiling to high to reach, even with Mustang's height. Alchemy wasn't working well either.

"Hey, what's this?" Asked Mustang to nobody in particular as he wandered to the bookshelf. He took a couple of pictures off the shelf Ed wasn't capable of reaching due to his height.

They were of Edward, looking seriously hawt, in the scene at Lior when he dramatically tore off his cloak to show Rose his Automail.

"Oh, so that's what was on the top shelf..."Said Ed.

Mustang smirked. " And you didn't see them why?"

...

"I AM NOT SHORT, DAMMIT!!! AND WHILE I'M AT IT, WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHRIMPY YOU COULD DUNK HIM INTO A DROP OF COCKTAIL SAUCE AND COVER ALL OF HIM WITH THE STUFF???!!!!"

"Shh." Whispered Mustang, back in 'Serious-Business-like-Roy Mode." Someone's coming."

For once, Ed listened and shut up. And, as Mustang had said, there were footsteps coming closer.

"I can't believe they didn't have them in our size! It's not our fault we have such delicate feet..." The door opened to reveal the two girls, in all their beautiful, pretty, glittery, silvery, pink, scarily-obsessive glory.

Ed and Roy huddled against a corner of the room in dread.

"Hello, boys!" Chirped Starlight. "Did you miss us?"

"I bet you missed us so bad you were about to commit suicide, and I would throw myself off a cliff, and...*Insert **seriously **long dramatic life-story here*" Sarah added in.

"It's a matter of opinion." Muttered Ed.

"Well, we do need someone to carry our shopping bags, filled with beautiful frocks, skirts and jewellery! Our alchemy's been exhausted!" Continued Sarah, giggling.

- - - - - -

"Ow..." Groaned Roy, massaging his arm. "I've never been this tired in my life!"

"Me neither." Ed collapsed on the bed. "That was even worst than the time when I was fighting Envy in the fake Gate."

"Man, I really need to sleep..."

Ed glared. "My bed. I was here first!"

"Couldn't we share...?" A malicious grin creeped on to Roy's features...

"FOR THE LOVE OF GAWD, NO! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU!??" Ed built up a wall around the bed. Yay, alchemy was working slightly better.

Roy sighed. He's got to sleep on the floor. He curled against another corner of the room and lit a small fire with some of the pillow stuffing that fell out when he landed through the window.

Fire always made him feel better.

- - - - - -

The next morning, a semi-Sue delivered some breakfast. Bacon, egg, orange juice, baked beans and some sausage. And is that...caviar?!

"At least we won't have to worry about starving to death then." Said Roy.

"Hell cares. Nphow leaph phe aphone." Bits of bacon flew out of Ed's mouth and on to Roy's jacket.

Roy delicatly flicked off the offending bacon. " I'll have you know I just had that dry-cleaned yesterday morning!" The semi-sue took away the leftovers.

Edward switched into 'Slightly-emo-prodigy-thinking-seriously Ed mode'a little while ago, so he wasn't listening.

"Yo."

"GAH!" Spluttered Roy. "Who the heck are you?!"

"A fan-made character. Now shut up and listen; we haven't much time.

It seems that Mary-Sues are gradually invading your world and ruining fanfics everywhere; including this one. People hate them so bad they're sending in Mary-Sues of their own to stop them. Mary Sues are what Sarah and Starlight are; Perfection, beauty, power, annoyance and impossibility compressed into a package. Now, they've gone after Alphonse to complete the 'Bishonen FMA Collection,' so they could soon go after the other attractive manga characters.

You must remember this; it's very Important. Mary-Sues like to ramble on about their past, powers, future love, etc. Do NOT anger a Sue, it's very dangerous. Now, I've gotta go. See ya..."

"Wait!" Yelled Ed. "Who are you?"

"A Sue-Alerter." And so, the mysterious person left the two bishies on their own.

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**The Alerter is a once-only oc, so don't worry. Just review; the world is much better without Mary-Sues!**


	5. Danger around the corner

**Congrats, all! Sue death toll; 11! This is seriously cool!**

***Sigh* I still don't own FMA. Oh well, I'll just stick to writing fanfics.**

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_Previously on Evil; It's new name is Mary Sue, Ed and Mustang learn vital info from an OC called Alerter, and they wish to come up with a plan in this chapter. Guess what? MORE BISHIES!!!_

_- - - - _

_Oh? What do you want, landlord? _Sneered a huge face made of red and black energy.

**I dunno...maybe for you to get outta here? **Was the reply.

_Touche._

_- - - -_

Al ran. Very quickly. Away from yet another Mary-Sue.

"Come back here please, Alphonse-Sama! I need you to have my babies!" Screamed Lila Sunlight Grace Charity BeautyFlower.

...eww...did I just type that out???

**AHH! MY EYES!!! REWIND!!! ^^^^^^^^^^^^**

Al ran. Very quickly. Away from yet another Mary-Sue.

"Come back here please, Alphonse-sama!" Screamed Lila...whatsherface. "I need someone to love me after my amnesia!!!" She proceeded to whisk out a terrifically large philosopher's stone from nowhere in particular. "Don't you want Edward-sama's arm and leg back?? Here's my offer! Love me and I'll let you have this!"

"I'd rather die!!!" Al screamed back. But unluckily for him he was running towards Wrath's office.

- - -

_Hmm, did you hear that? It was like a small explosion or a loud bang on something._

**Yeah...sounds like Alphonse running away from that something.**

_Could it be Envy?_

**Perhaps...anyway, why do you care?**

_This body belongs to the both of us. You die, I die. Simple.  
_

"Ahh! Help me please! She's trying to kill me!!!"

**_Bang!_**

**_Ratatatatat.....Bang again._**

**_Crash! Tinkle tinkle..._**

**_MEOW!!!_**

_Hey Greed, I wanna see what's going on outside. Sounds like a riot. Lemme out for a mo._

**...whatever.**

- - - -

"So, he said they like to ramble on about their stuff..." Said Ed as he scribbled down some notes.

"Yeah...hey, you forgot the bit about their annoyingness..." Roy added.

"...so I have. Wait a mo...Ok, so what's next?"

" Never annoy a Mary Sue."

"Ooh..." More scribbling.

"So, what do you have?" Asked Roy, eager to see the plan Ed's made up.

"We...erm...don't have a good plan yet...the best so far is to run away."

"Shit."

- - -

"Yo, Al."

Al just managed to turn his head around for a little bit. "Ling!" A pause. "...Greed...?"

"Nah, Ling. Say..." His closed eyes traveled towards Lila who was turning Al's face blue. "Who's that cutie over there?"

Lila heard Ling...Poor guy's gonna suffer bone-crushes soon.

"OMG, Prince Ling! It's me, Lila!!!"

Ling blinked...not that it made any difference anyway. "Do I know you...?"

Ten minutes later, both boys ran as quickly as possible down to the Homuncoli Base to get rid of the annoying whiny Lila.

- - - - -

"Well, I do have an idea..." Said Mustang.

"What? Really?"

"Yeah. When my men were attacked, it seemed that Starlight was very focused on me."

"That's It, then!" Exclaimed Edward. "We've got ourselves some sort of defense!"

"...we do?"

"Yeah! We split up, the Sue gets distracted by focusing on both of us, and we escape at the very last minute!" Ed smirked victoriously. "...Before you burn them, of course." Roy looked slightly happier at this. But he sighed. "This is more like a fan-made fiction than real life. Mary Sues...dammit...oh well...worth a shot..." He burnt down the door and the two sped down the golden rose-quartz-encrusted hallway. A Semi-Sue was guarding the exit.

"Run!"

Both alchemists tore off in different directions while the semi-sue stood confused, and then chased after Edward.

"Oh, Edward! I knew you would come to me!"

"Mustang!" Yelled Ed. "Hurry!"

The Flame Alchemist, with a snap of his fingers, set the soon-to-be-Sue alight before joining the teen Alchemist in his escape.

- - -

" RUN RUN RUN RUN!!!" Ling was panicking (Like all other FMA bishies in this fic). He would rather face execution by the emperor that becoming Lila's Toy.

Al seemed to have the same idea. The two were speeding down in the sewers at 70mPh. Just not quick enough to escape Lila, though.

Al suddenly realised something. "Oh no! We're heading towards the Homuncoli's lair!" He started to slow down a little, but Ling grabbed his collar and hauled him forward.

"I'd rather face the Homuncoli any day!"

The younger Elric nodded and ran with Ling again...to their doom.

It seems like they had forgotten the logic of '1+1=2.' they'll be facing two evil parties in the next chapter.

- - - -

Ed hadn't thought of this.

Another Mary-Sue appeared and all it took was for Mustang to flash a 'Gentleman's Smile' at them.

Oh well, at least they were on the ground floor.

- - - -

"I'm worried..." Said Winry. "They've not called for ages, and their hotel manager hasn't seen them either."

Garfiel patted her shoulder. "Oh, they'll be alright. These boys know how to take care of themselves.:

The phone rang.

"I'll get it." Winry raced towards the phone, hoping it would be from Ed or Al.

It was Hawkeye.

"Listen, Winry. It's urgent. The Colonel has been captured with Edward and we do not know their location..."

"What?!" Cried Winry. "What happened to them?!"

"All we know is that they have been captured by beings captured by beings called 'Mary Sues,' a group of females with superior powers even to a Homunculus. They seem to go for the more combat-ready group of young males, and unfortunatly for the Elrics, they are two of them. Our informant has disappeared and I have been attacked because I was in their way..."

Hawkeye gave a small grunt. I guess Starlight hurt her pretty bad.

"...So watch out, Winry. Be careful."

"Wait...!" Too late. Hawkeye's put down the receiver. Winry clenched her fists.

" AAUGH!!! WHY CAN'T THEY STAY OUT OF TROUBLE FOR JUST THIS ONCE! YOU JUST WAIT, ED! THE LONGER YOU'RE GONE, THE HARDER I'LL HIT YOU!!!" She stormed back into her room and stayed there until dinner.

* * *

**Come on people! If this fic reives more than 15 reviews, you'll get the treat of getting rid of Sarah!!!**


	6. Valentines Special!

**Happy Valentines and Chinese New Years, all Mary-Sue hating people! Thos chapter's half of a filler. So Ling and Al hasn't met Envy yet, buut Sarah dies! *Whoops!***

**I still don't own FMA...at least I tried.**

**Sue death toll...18! 18 flippin' reviews! You guys rock!**

* * *

"I'm scared, brother." Whimpered Al, who was frightened out of his wits as a shadow looomed over him.

And, he wasn't the only one.

Ling was gibbering and sucking his thumb and Roy...let's carry on, shall we?

Ed was the only relatively SANE male, miraculously, in the cell.

Because it was VALENTINES DAY.

Valentines Day, a time for young adults to express their emotions by giving presents to someone they have special feelings for, a time for love and forgiveness, a time to spend with loved ones.

Also a time for Mary Sues to reach their full potential.

Let's rewind a couple of hours so we could see exactly why these bishonen are so wimpy this morning.

- - - - -

RING RING RING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A automail fist slammed down on the innocent, unsuspecting alarm clock.

"What day is it..." Groaned Ed as he covered his head with the duvet once again.

"...14th of February..." Al stretched and leapt to his feet.

"Really? Then it's New Years day!" Ling leapt to his feet also. " I must go and contact The Emperor to give him my respect for today! Where's the nearest phone booth..."

"Dummy, New Years was a month and two weeks ago." Ed tossed a slipper at Ling's head.

The Prince slapped the slipper towards Roy's head with ease. " For us Xingese, it's the New Year. We base our calender on the movement of the Moon."

"Ah..." The Elrics nodded. "That's pretty cool, actually."

A burst of flame attracted their attention.

"Who's the idiot that tossed a slipper at my head? Hmm?" Roy pulled on his right glove with the flame array sewn on it.

All heads turned towards Ed.

"Wha...but I was aiming at Ling, that traitor...wait...no! NO!!!" Ed yelled frantically.

"Too late now, Fullmetal!" Roy had a manical grin on his face.

...

...

"Mummy, is someone having a barbeque?"

"...erm..."

...

...

"Hurry up and say hi to the Emperor so we can get this over with." Muttered Toasted Shrimp.

"Ok, thanks, Ed!" Ling smiled and ran out of the door.

"Well, at least that saves us paying another half of the food bill." Said Roy.

...

Knock knock!

"Who's there?" Ed smirked.

"I'll get it!" Al walked towards the door.

"Roy shook his head sadly. "That has got to be the worst joke ever made besides the 'Dr Who' one."

But instead of a member of the Royal Xingese Family with a huge appetite, he found a sparkly young woman, dressed in pink and purple with red roses in her pink hair.

"My name is Festivia Love Romance Beauty ConfessionValentine!" She smiled. "And I am here to help you realise your feelings for your true love!"

"AHH!!!" Al screamed in a high pitch and slammed the door shut on Festivia's face. He knew it wasn't very polite to slam the door on ANYONE'S face, but lives mattered more.

"Hello?" Ling's voice echoed outside. "I'm back..."

His attention traveled to Festivia.

"Oh Shit...!!!"

- - - - -

It didn't take long for Festivia to capture all of them and tie them up with pink ribbons.

"I love you all!" She smiled. "Do you love me?'

The sun shone on her hair as angels chorused once again in the background. The boys shook their heads slowly.

"You will once I tell you my life story~!" Said Festivia. "Well, my mother was Truth itself, and I was born in Xerxes, and when everyone died she transfered a fraction of the souls into me, and she gave me the task of making everyone fall in love with me, for when everyone does, the souls inside me will go to heaven! And now, I am reincarnated as St. Valentines IInd!"

"More like St. Soppy-Stupid IInd." Muttered Ed.

"Ah, but you see, us Mary Sue's powers rise up to its maximum on this day!" Giggled Festivia.

The four boys immediatly paled.

- - - -

Right, that sums us up! Back to the present!

"Now, let's have some time together, shall we?" Festivia giggled some more and closed in on Ed's face.

She inches closer...

And closer...

Their faces millimetres apart...

"Hold it right there, Festivia, my friend!" Screeched Sarah, waving the huge Holy Blade angrily above her head.

"Sarah, dear!!" Laughed Festivia. "You're too late!" She held her sparkly hands in front of her and a rose-coloured bow-and-arrows appeared in them. "Edward's MINE!!!"

"Not if I can help it! A battle for our love!" Sarah morphed back into a unicorn and Festivia grew angel wings. The two charged at each other.

While the Sues clashed, Ed clapped his hands and cut the rope with his automail. Then he freed his fellow bishonen.

"Thanks, mate." Ling punched Ed on the shoulder good-naturedly. "I owe you one."

Al noticed a cute Ginger Tom whimpering in the corner beside him, so he scooped it up and let it curl up on his neck.

"This isn't the time!" Yelled Roy. "We've got to escape!..ouch!" An arrow hit him on the back.

Al turned around. "Uh..Colonel...are you alright..."

Roy punched Al in the stomach. "FESTIVIA'S MINE! SHE IS MY TRUE LOVE!" Then he stumbled towards the fightcloud.

"Jeez, man! "Ling grabbed his collar and hauled him back. "It's dangerous!"

Suddenly, Al noticed that the kitten has gone cold. Hurridly, he leaned forwards to let the kitten fall off his neck.

It was dead.

"But...she was alive seconds ago..." Al sobbed and held the kitten close to his cheek.

**Yo.**

"Huh, who said that?!" Ed and Ling looked around. Nothing out of the ordinary.

**I am the almighty Author of this story, and I know and can do anything and everything. But I won't do anything 'cos it'll ruin the plotline.**

"WE'RE IN A FLIPPIN' STORY!!!???" Ed screamed at the roof.

**Yup.**

"What happened to the kitten?!" Al sniffed. "Did the Sues kill it...?"

**Nah, it was Mustang**

"YOU!!!!!" Al stood up and shook Roy's shoulders sharply. "WHY MUST YOU DO SUCH A THING?!"

**Well...it wasn't his fault, really. Every time someone falls in love with a Mary Sue, a small animal less than a year old dies.**

Ed looked at Al sadly. He knew how big an impact the previous comment made on him.

**Now you've got to escape with Mustang. I've deactivated the poison in the arrow that shot him, but he will be the last one that I'll do that for. Festivia's arrows have a special infactuation potion on them. And I can't be bothered to do anything else...leave me alone.**

"Thanks!" Yelled Ling after he rescued Roy from Al's fists while Ed made a hole in the wall.

"No, My Love, Edward-sama...come back to me!!" Sarah thrust her hands toward the party.

"Die! You are between me and true love!" Festivia stabbed Sarah through the head.

"Noo....my perfect, sparkly life..." Instead of blood, thick pink glitter with glitter and sequin stars fell out of the gash in her head as she slumped down to the ground. "YOU'LL NEVER ESCAPE FROM ME, FESTIVIA!!! I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN..." She gave a pained screech before continuing. "AND I WILL FINALLY HAVE EDWARD-SAMA'S HEART...JUST YOU WAIT...!" Was her echoing scream. Sarah disappeared in a shower of pink sparkles, not unlike the Chimera she defeated in Chapter 1.

Festivia cleaned off the pink gunk and dashed towards the hole Ed made so she could chase after Ling. However, it seemed that life enjoyed being cruel to Sues.

Sarah's soul materialised for a split second and stabbed Festivia in the heart.

- - - -

"I've sorted out the Colonel's wound." Said Winry, wiping her hands from the anesthesia. Ed and co. were lucky that she was out shopping in Central and met up with her.

"Thanks, Winry." Ed smiled. The teen mechanic blushed a little.

"I...It's nothing! I mean...I, um..." Winry was tongue-tied. Why did Ed have to be hot, kind, smart, ignorant and an ass at the same time??!

There were only two solutions to her embarassment.

Solution No. 1: Cry and leap into Ed's arms...nah, that's too Mary-Sueish. And Winry isn't a Sue.

Solution no.2...

"YOU HAD ME WORRIED SICK, YOU DUMBASS!!!" Screamed Winry. She grabbed the Infamous Wrench and aimed it at Ed's head with brutal force and accuracy.


	7. Another Bishie, another kidnap

**Well done, all! Sue death toll; 22! Keep these reviews coming!**

**GRAAHH!!!! WHY CAN'T I OWN FMA ALREADY!!! If I ask Arakawa-san, then maybe....*Mumble mumble* *Evil grin***

**Warning; HANNAH MONTANA BASHING**

* * *

In the last chapter, I have given you the awesomest thing ever...TWO SUES' DEATHs!!! However, all things must come to an end...like Ling's and Al's lives...in this chapter. Or, if I follow the plotline correctly...which probably won't happen

"I love you, Al-sama! I want to kiss you, and squeeze you, and go to bed with you..." Lila squealed with delight to add emphasis on the last statement.

"THAT GIRL'S CRAZY!!!!" Screamed Ling as he ATTEMPTED to pull Al further away from said sue.

"AND YOU AREN'T?" Al screamed back in a very OOC way. " WHO WAS IT THAT ASKED TO GET POSSESED WITH A PSYCHO HOMUNCULUS?! HUH???"

"WELL, I WAS GONNA GET POSSESED ANYWAY!!! NOW SHUT UP UNLESS YOU WANT TO BECOME FISH FOOD!!!!!!"

And so, two of FMA's most famous bishies continued their most delightful conversation down to Father's lair.

- - - - -

Starlight, after losing her most delightful friend, wanted revenge. No, not on the bitchy Festivia 'cos she was dead, but on a well-known shrimp, the cause of it all. Yes, despite their annoyingness, Mary Sues are capable of being intellegent. Wow, that's something new!

Anyways, she transformed herself back into a cat and went off to seek more allies.

And she found two. In one day.

Julia Candy Sugar SweetHoney was the Candy King's daughter. But Candy King was murdered by Lord Sourdrop and Julia went to seek her own place in the world. She met Alphonse and fell in love, but he rejected her, so she commited suicide. Candy King's soul revived Julia and she then met Havoc, and fell in love with him, and he fell in love with her. But Al had realised his mistake of rejecting her and killed Havoc. Julia transformed into a Philosopher's stone and revived Havoc, then killed Al. Then she killed herself. Now she lives to search for Al and Havoc.

Hannah Montana was a famous pop star, until she met Mustang. She tried everything to win his heart but everything failed, so she went and became an emo. Before she slit her wrists out of sadness, Ling stopped her, saying all life is precious and should not be thrown away. So, she fell in love with Ling, but could not get over Mustang, so Ling killed Mustang and she revived him with Music Alchemy, sacrificing her beautifully charming voice and golden blonde wig and she died. Mustang killed Ling because he killed him and made Hannah die, and...

Oh, you can see how this goes on. Just remember, none of the actions mentioned above in these ridiculously angsty stories are true. It's just Mary-Sue stuff.

- - - - -

"E...egads!!!!"

What luck. Al took a wrong turn and ended up in a dead end. Ling leapt into Al's arms as soon as he heard Lila's hot pink high heels click closer.

"My loove~~~" Sighed Lila, her hair flowing delicatly behind her. "We are destined to be~~~!"

"To be scared, more like...." Ling sighed. He tightens his grip on Al's arm every step Lila takes towards them...

"Ow." Murmured Al. (His arm was turning blue. I did that to my friend once. She freaked out.)

"I will heal you with my almighty flower alchemy!!!!" Giggled Lila. That made Al back up against the wall even more. "It wont hurt, I promise!"

3 seconds later...

"YEOOOOOWWWCCCCHHHH!!!!!!!"

"What's all this noise? Even a homunculus needs to sleep, you know..." Groaned Envy. "I'll kill you for ruining my beauty sleep...." He noticed Lila.

"Well well well....I think we've found another new 'candidate...' for the circle..." Envy grinned like the psychomaniac he was. "Father's gonna be pleased with me."

"Envy-sama!!" Sighed Lila. " I've found you, my love! Don't you remember me? I was *insert very conveniently placed Mary-Sue flashback* and now, I have found you at last!" She pounced on poor Envy.

"Can't...breathe..." Croaked the Homunculus. "Lungs...collapsing..." He clocked out.

"Oh noes~~" Wailed Lila. "I must save you so we can..." She proceeded to carry out the kidnapping of Envy while skipping towards the evil pink fortress so she sould make friends with Starlight so she could...*gasps in air* so she could hunt more bishies so she could...

Al and Ling took that opprtunity to escape. Quickly. But Al's arm never felt the same ever again. May it rest in peace.

- - - - -

"I heard."

Funnily enough, Mustang managed to pluck up enough courage so he could ask for assistance from..Bradley. BRADLEY, OF ALL PEOPLE.

"So..you wish for my assistance." Bradley paused to sip some tea.

"Yes, sir." Mustang bowed. No, not because of all these crack pairings out there, nor of hoping Riza won't turn into a RoyEd fan, but because of all these subordinates with sparkly metallic objects that can kill you. Yes, guns, the weapon that carried out wars and terrorism. Those who possess them can be very skilled or unskilled, and holds power over life and death. Ooh, and they're sparkly...oh crap, I'm getting off subject.

BACK, BACK!!! I CANNOT LET MY AWESOMENESS TAKE OVER THIS FIC!!! IT'S PRATICALLY MI LIFE~

"No." Said Bradley, standing up again. " These Sues can become a great help to us in this war. I will not help you unless I am convinced otherwise."

"Of course, sir." Smiled Mustang. "I have been foolish to think of requesting help without something to convince you with. Excuse me." He walked out of the room to god-knows-where to do god-knows-what.

Bradley didn't like the look on Mustangs face. Not one little bit.

* * *

**Hmm, so I didn't follow the plotline well enough after all...ah well, at least I managed to slot Envy in.**

**Just review! C'mon, we can do this!!! Get more sues dead!**


	8. IMPORTANT! Plus an OMAKE!

**Hello, everyone. Sorry I took so long to update. I still don't own FMA. however, i DO own a picture I drew of Al in his human body.**

**The reason is that I'm kinda depressed 'cos I've only gotten 3 reviews for 2 CHAPTERS, and I have EXAMS in about 3 days.**

**So...here it is, THE POINT.**

**I will now allow everybody to review. Not only that, they can send in a mary sue they would like me to kill. Please put in the name, powers, love interest(s), life story, etc, and I will choose the ones I like the best and put them into starlight's team! That MIGHT boost the rating. If not, then I will end this fanfic/put it on hiatus within 2 chapters. Thanks, everyone.**

**This will be a shorter chapter 'cos I'm tired.**

* * *

OMAKE!!!

Ed wandered about with Al slumping behind. Now that Al doesn't have an empty suit of armour to keep his cute little abandoned kittens with, he can't hide them from Edward. He trudged along, depressed, until he caught sight of an ENTIRE BAND OF KAWAII KITTENS!!!

Alphonse, being the kitten adorer he is, immediatly tiptoed towards them (So Ed wouldn't notice) but he was to see the worst tragety of his life.

The kittens were merged together to form a girl...a Mary Sue, in fact, by the name of Sacrifice Angst Tragety KittenSoul.

"Alphonse-sama..." Sobbed Sacrifice. "I have sacrificed so many souls just to see you...I hope you are grateful for my appearance..." She then burst into howls of terrific hysterics.

Al was mad. He screamed to the sky like nice-turned-emo people do and made a dragon spear from the ground like Edward's infamous ones. He then stabbed Sacrifice.

"Noo...my perfect, sparkly life..." Glittery pink fluid came out of her guts as she evaporated. The kittens went back to their original form.

Al scooped them all up and sneaked away behind Ed.

'Mew~'

"Al..." Growled Ed, "..is there anything you would like to tell me...?"

* * *

**Rate and review please! R**


	9. Awkwardness takes over

**Greetings!**

**These sues aren't getting killed fast enough. Sue death toll; 28.**

**THe sue-killing starts now! The Itallic bits are the Sue's introduction and the rest the actual fic.**

**Disclaimer: FMA does not own me.**

* * *

_My humblest Salutations to you, my dears! My name is Precious Sparkle Fawn Butterfly SprinkleFairy, the Soul Alchemist, and this is my life story, so sad it will make the most seasoned warriors cry!!!_

_I was born in the Daliha Region, the last and the most dangerous area, during the war against Amestris. My parents were killed *_has a long cry-fest*_ and I was orphaned. Luckily, Roy Mustang-sama found me and taught me Alchemy!!! I discovered an alchemy called 'Soul Alchemy' which can heal others and give my telekinesis! I wish to use my powers for the benifit of Humankind!(And to get the man of my dreams too, of course!)_

- - - -

Before some other random chapters, Al and Ling (stupidly) decided to run towards the underground Homuncoli base from a sue called Lila Sunlight Grace Charity BeautyFlower. however, God seems to like torturing them and woke Envy up form his 'beauty-sleep.' Now good ol' Envy got Lila away form them and on to him...the stupid nit.

Ed and Mustang were on their way to freedom away from the castle of Doom Pink. Now they've escaped, Mustang's asking WRATH/BRADLEY for help and Ed's getting clobbered by Winry. This is going to be a VERY interesting chapter...

- - - - -

After Envy's not-ever-so-dramatic distraction, Al and Ling stood in the sewers alone. And no, you stupid yaoi fangirl/boy/man, they're not doing what I hope you're not thinking of. They were completely and UTTERLY lost, because they were so intent on escape they forgot the route they came from!

"Oh, well." Ling scratched his head. "I guess it's no good standing here. Let's try to make our way back without Greed interfering."

"Mmm hmm."

- - - - -

"Haven't we already gone past this pillar already?" Ling put his hand under his chin.

Al sighed. "We've been walking around in circles. Where's your sense of direction?!"

"Oh, he's just gone off to Drachma for a little tourism." A cheesy smile.

"Groan..."

"Well...why don't you lead the way then, Al?"

"Good idea."

After they walked in random directions with Al guiding Ling, they say a small arch-type hole in front of them.

"Hey, I think it's an entrance!"

"Exit."

"Yeah, that." Ling pulled Al behind him (albeit painfully) and ran towards the arch.

'...I don't like this...' thought Al.

Ling raced through the arch...into the homuncoli lair. With Precious the Anomynous Candybar's sue chatting with father over tea and crumpets.

"...how right I was..." Al sighed again.

.....

"ALPHONSE-SAMA~" Squealed Precious as she pratically hurled herself against Al, who was petrified stiff. (With good reason.) Father raised an eyebrow.

"Aquaintences of yours, Miss SprinkleFairy?" Said Father.

"Oh yes! They were my lovers!!!" Precious pressed herself against Al's chest, before she noticed Ling.

"LING~" She pounced at Ling, to Father's obvious delight. He hoped she would kill the Xingese prince with her suffocating hugs.

"Well...seeing as you are of noble blood..." Father was slightly impressed by Ling; he was still alive. He made more china cups and said, "Tea, anyone?"

- - - - - -

"Winry, I just said...Ouch! Stop it...no, Winry. Put that away, please...AUGH!!! STOP!"

Ed was in pain, in case you've missed it. Winry was making him into sushi 'cos she thought Ed was flirting with some other girl *coughMarySuecough* and was ditching her...FOR GOOD.

A knock on the door. Winry paused her decoration of Ed's skull with wrench-shaped dents and went to answer the door.

Good old somebody...

It was Mustang, in all his proud, smug, girlfriend-stealing, shrimp-insulting, Lust-killing, Havoc-heartbreaking glory.

"Oh, it's just you..." Muttered Ed.

"I am your superior, Fullmetal." Said Mustang, trying not to have another barbeque.

"Get to the point already..." Sighed Ed. "I've already wasted enough of my youth listening to your *censored* speeches."

Mustang smirked. " I have the Fuhrer's permission to mobilise a BLITZ-KREIG on Starlight."

"WHAT?!"

_- - - - - - _

_Flashback_

_Mustang dragged a large steel cage into Bradley's office (With much difficulty). "Here it is, sir."_

_Bradley, knowing Mustang might assasinate him at anytime, ordered one of his secretaries to open the cage. (Hawkeye's too good a hostage)._

_To the poor assistant's horror, a teenaged girl with wavy chocolate locks was inside working on what seemed like an automail arm...with amazing speed. She didn't even notice what was going on._

_"Metallica Steel Kinetic SparkHeart, sir." Smiled Mustang. "Metallica, Fullmetal's here, so you can fit your superb automail on to him. I'm sure that Automail would be able to withstand both heat and cold, being light and strong at the same time..."_

_"REALLY?" Squeaked Metallica. "I must..." She sprung out of the cage._

_*The Authoress apologises for this censor, for the scene happening right now (Metallice found out Ed was not there) would most likely turn you blind and give you a seizure so serious you would probably never want to see a automail wire again in your conpensate, there will be sound effects instead.*_

_BASH_

_CRASH_

_Tinkle tinkle_

_"WHERE IS FULLMETAL-SAMA???"_

_BOOM!!!_

_"AUGH!!!"_

_"Third Lieutenant Beaven, I don't think arms bend that way naturally..."_

_..._

_"SQUEAL!!!"_

_"Beaven, breathe! In, out. In, out. BIG breaths."_

_*GASP*_

_"NO, MY DARLING~" CLANNGGG...!_

_"Oh dear! My best china cup...!"_

_Smash..._

_"Colonel! Are you injured?"_

_"I'm fine, Lieutenant Hawkeye. I wish I could say the same about Beaven..."_

_"I will take him to the medical room."_

_"EDWARD-SAMA~~!!!"_

- - - - - -

"...and that's it. Then Bradley gave me permission to order a small branch of the army." A gentleman's smile.

Both blondes gaped at the story. Who wouldn't? Besides Mustang himself, of course.

- - - - - -

Precious giggled and snuggled up to Ling...again. Said prince now has glitter all over his best gold-silk shirt and his eyebrow was twitching slightly... Father bit into another crumpet piece while Al sat on the other side of the couch, sipping his tea in an awkward manner.

When homocide was looking like a good option, you KNOW that there's something wrong with the world.


	10. Arrival of a Stranger

**Greetings!**

**Come ON,PEOPLE!!! NOT ENOUGH REVIEWS!!! JUST 29 DEAD!!!**

**I STILL don't own FMA...maybe it'll be better for teh human population...**SUE OF THE DAY! FROM LIGHTNING LATIAS

* * *

_Name: Jessie Alexandra Cleopatra Twinklefairy_

_Occupation: SUE_

_Likes: PRIDE!!! (For what reason I do not know but it is DEFINATLY disturbing...)_

_Born in a rich family by a successful businessman, Jessie was raised with a silver spoon in her mouth. However, her father had a SLIGHT addiction to gambling...and her mother divorced because of that reason. Jessie was then put into care and lives to find Pride 'cos he was so adorable._

_- - - - - _

Previously on this very fic, Mustang has managed to convince Wrath (With a Sue) and now has command over a small Blitz-Kreig. Ed's STILL getting a beat-up from Winry and Precious, Father, Al and Ling are having a very....interesting tea-party.

"Oh, I'm still a tad curious on this 'Alkahestry' you speak so highly of."

"Everybody is, Father Darling." Smiled Ling as he helped himself to another crumpet. "These are delicious."

"Oh yes. Do you want the recipe?"

"That'll be wonderful."

Al stared disbelievingly at the pair. Something is DEFINATLY not right with Ling's mind. However, he had another problem to worry about...like a certain sue.

Precious sighed dreamily as she held on Al's arm tightly. Her slim, yet strong arms tightened every second.

"LET GO OF AL!!"

Edward, who now finally got some screentime that didn't have him getting the *Censored* beaten out of him by Winry.

Precious squealed in a very obsessive way (Not very surprising). "EDDIE-KINS!!!"

*Blink*

"E...Eddie-kins...?" Al managed to choke out.

Ling Laughed.

"YOU JUST WAIT, LING!!!" Screamed Ed as he peeled off his gloves. Then the automail became a lethal blade and Ed stabbed Precious in the gut.

"Tee-hee-hee!" Giggled Precious. "That tickles! Do it again!"

Ling stared.

Al Facepalmed.

Ed turned green.

Father sipped his tea. (Ok, that does NOT help adding to the atmosphere at ALL.)

THWUMP!!! They all fainted.

"Hmm...who should I choose..." Sighed Precious.

"BACK OFF!" Screamed a voice oh-so crystal clear.

"Jessie." Growled Precious.

"Precious." Growled Jessie. "NObody sets their grubby little paws on MY EDWARD!!!NO ONE!! NEVER!!!" Then Jessie went into an angst mode so deep you could see the emoness.

(The Authoress apopogises once again for the censor. The amount of pink, sparkles, Twilight-ness and Mary-Sue angst would most likely give you another seizure.)

- - - - -

"Blood all over my best floor..." Sighed Father. "Oh well."

"Are you sure you won't need our help, Father-san?" Asked Al. (Ed tried to stop him by nudging his ribs. It didn't work.)

"I think I'll manage just fine." Replied Father. "Do pop over for some more tea, Ling. I'd like to speak with my 'son' as well."

"I'll do my best." THe three heroes walked away into the dramatic sunset, where another fan-character was waiting for them.

- - - - -

"Soo.." Began Starlight. "What's your favorite shade of pink?"

"Electric Pink, for sure!" Piped Hannah. She twirled her sleek blonde hair around her index finger delicatly.

"I prefer Bubblegum Pink." Said Julia. "It's such a sweet colour. What's yours, Starlight-san?"

"Mine?" Starlight was delighted. "Metallic pink!"

Fangirly, yet pure screams echoed around Central and shattered all glass/crystal objects within three miles.

- - - - - -

Envy started to hate his life.

It all started on that fated day when Armor-kid wrecked his sleep...RIGHT AFTER HE MADE UP A TOTALLY AWESOME NEW PLAN INCLUDING SHRIMPS AND A BARBEQUE GRILL!!! BEEP BEEP BEEPITY BEEP BEEP BLEEEEEEEEPP...

*Cough* Anyways, now here he was, tied up and 'planted' 'cos Lila said he looked like a palm tree, for some reason...

"Psst!"

Envy (attempted) turned around.

"PSST!!!"

It was...guess who...Edward.

"Oh." Said Envy, uninterested. "It's the s..."

"WHO'RE YOU CALLIN' SO SMALL YOU HAVE TROUBLE SEEING HIM EVEN UNDERNEATH A MAGNIFYING GLASS?! HUH??? DO YOU WANT YOUR FACE TO BE REMODELLED?!" Ed (Stupidly) jumped through the widow glass and punched Envy's face with his RIGHT arm.

Al facepalmed. Again.

"Ooh, Eddie has come to visit me...!" A sweet giggle came from downstairs and drew closer and closer...

"GAAH!" Ed started flapping around the room like a headless chicken. Envy smiled sadistically.

"Oi, Lila-chan! The Midget's hiding underneath the sofa..."

The door opened. Ed was tettering on one leg in an awkward manner with one hand on Envy's mouth and another grasping the Homunculus' neck tightly. He froze when he saw Lila's pinkness.

"OH GAWD I'M BLIND!!!" Screamed Ed. He staggered around the room for a bit before falling out of the broken window with a petrified 'hamster' squeal. Envy laughed histerically...and then choked on air.

"EDDIE!!!" Lila leapt out of the window toward Ed who was trying to escape form the sue. Ling and Al took that chance to untie Envy.

"W...why are you helping me?" Envy cut down the remaining ties of rope with a blade arm, but he cut himself with said arm with confusion.

"We need some extra help." Whispered Ling. "There are too many Sues invading Amestris. Old man Fu said that Sues teleport off to some other random place seconds before capture."

"And what's that got to do with me?"

Their conversation was interrupted by a female figure cloaked in black jumping through the window.

"Who..who are you?" Gasped Al.

"My name is Artimis." Replied the feminine voice.

- - -

Who is Artimis? (NO, you stupid Artimis Fowl fan, NO.) What is her goal? Is she an allie or an enemy? Will I ever stop asking these pointless questions? That's for you to find out. If you review, I'll say hi back to you!!

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**Hey, you know that button...yes, that button? Yeah, the one that says 'REVIEW'? Click on it because I'm depressed. Sues welcome!**

**(Sues are welcome because the Authoress has a nice, shiny, sparkly blade decorated nicely with red liquid and bone fragments prepared specially for them...)**

**For those of you that hate Hannah Montana's guts...TREAT!!! When this fic gets over 43 reviews you'll see her die in a very messy manner...**


	11. The Chase Begins

**Greetings!**

**34 reviews aren't bad, I guess. BUT WE HATE THE SUES, AND WE NEED TO DISPOSE OF THEM IMMEDIATLY!!!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own FMA; Hiromu Arakawa does.**

**Warning: Expect Crossovers with Shaman King, Bleach, and Naruto.**

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Sue of the Day...

Name: Mydnite Asakura Hitsugaya Jeagerjaques Kuchiki Kurosaki Schiffer Tao  
Uchiha Usui Happyloveness: Thank you, phoenixflamechimera78 for your kind donation of Sue-ness. I will dispose of it well.

Personality: Mary-Sue angsty and Emo, but 'simply charmimg' in a non-sue experienced male eyes.

Goal: To be in a 'happy family' with all the FMA bishies.

Powers: Unnaturally fast leaning capabilities, her necklace is a key to pratically every dimention (Hence all her names), understands (And cheers up) everyone she meets with her own emo lifestory, is an all-round shapeshifter, and gets special discounts at the local mall with her sex appeal ( And the gender of the cashier does NOT matter)

Lifestory: Everybody hates her, and loves her too, and one day she found a necklace that let her travel to other worlds. She took some of their last names and became part of their families, but like all the others, they hated her, but loved her too, and destroyed Mydnite, who travelled to the FMA world so she could find her one, true love.

That true love, unfortunatly, was Ed. He told her to walk forward with her own two healthy legs and Mydnite fell in love (Again) and promised him that she would marry him and love him for eternity even after his death but Ed, like all the other bishies on this planet, hated her and loved her, and he disappeared without a trace (Actually there were tons of traces but Mydnite didn't bother to look because it added to the story atmosphere)...which brings up to the current storyline...!

- - - - -

In the last chapter, Edward, Al and Ling freed Envy (After a 'successful' rescue from Ed) and now they are in the hands of an OC!!!! Ha, and that OC I wanted to use for AGES!!!

The black hood was drawn back to reveal, as they expected, a feminine face. BUt what they did NOT expect was a pair of lavender eyes; the boys shrank back to a corner where they quivered in fear that the girl was a Sue.

"I will not harm you. Now follow me." Said Artimis as she leapt out of the window.

Since the Bishonen had nowhere better to go and to keep this story going for the sake of it, they followed, landing very unceremoniously on top of each other in a crumpled heap on the ground. Envy did a 180 degree turn and landed on his feet, giving it a more professional feel.

"Any questions?" Said Artimis. The questions came like leaves in a hurricane.

"Are you a Sue?"

"Are you going to rescue us?"

"Do you have any pets?" (Everyone ignored Al for the time being.)

"To answer all your questions, no I am not a Sue, I am an OC. I will aid you, and yes, I have a bluefinch called Twittie, because he's a really good chirper, and also really stupid."

"What's...an...OC..."Al questioned, with a not-very-well-hidden stutter.

"OMG, she's an Obsidian Cat!"

"No, no, an Ozone Crane~ vrrmm vrrmm!" Envy spread out his arms, turned into a flamingo and flew around Ling's head.

Al shook his head, exasperated while the ones with slightly less intellect came up with dumber and dumber names. (Ostrich Chaser, Orange Club, Open Cesame. *mispelling intentional*)

A scream came from the sky.

It was Artimis, captured by...HANNAH MONTANA!!! However, Artimis quickly dealed with that problem with WIND ALCHEMY. A blade of wind WOULD have lobbed off Hannah's head if her wonderfully blonde hair stopped it and kept on flying. So Artimis resorted to another tactic.

She took a handful of mud from her pocket and smeared it on Hannah's clothes.

Hannah screeched. "OH NO!! MY DESIGNER DRESS!!! NOW I WON'T LOOK MY BEST FOR ROY-ROY!!!" She dropped Artimis and flew on wailing. Which, of course, resulted in a broken leg.

"Was that Wind alchemy?" Asked Al, now deeply interested. "...are you sure that you're not a Sue? Wind Alchemy's very complicated."

" 'course." Said Artimis. "But unlike Sues, we OCs have flaws."

"Like what?" Ling and Envy crouded round.

"...it's kinda embarrasing..."

"We won't tell!" Smiled Al.

"..."

"...I can't draw circles or anything within an hour, I can't swim, and..." She stuttered, while the boys' interest grew every second.

"...I'm allergic to cats."

Al fainted.

- - - -- - -

Ed was scared. VERY scared. Scared would actually be an understatement. Lila had speared his arm with a DAISY and was hot on his heels with a flamin' THISTLE. But was much worse.

Mydnite joined the chase.

Sure, Ed was grateful for her cutting Lila in half with a _zanpaku-to_, or whatever, but giant spirits made out of glitter was just ridiculous. I mean, what kind of sane human wanted a GLITTERY Guardian Ghost? But Mydnite wasn't even sane, or human anyway so it doesn't matter much, really.

So, here he was, bleeding considerably from his flesh arm with a girl calling to him like he was her soulmate or something. People were staring at him. Havoc actually laughed. (A few shots between the legs from Hawkeye shut him up) But what about Al? Did that Girl with purple eyes kill him? Or even worse...kiss him?

That was too scary to think. Ed ran on, unaware of thousands of pairs of eyes staring and waiting for him to fall into their trap.

Mydnite didn't care. Cntinueing her sighs of delight she blast some ceros at Ed, who was toasted. AGAIN. Not by Mustang, unfortunatly.

"Come back, Edward-sama!!!" She sighed. "MY LIFE NEEDS YOUR LOVE!!! I don't care what you think about me!!! JUST come BACK!!!"

Ed was greatly disturbed. So, unsurprisingly, he jumped off a cliff.

And, also unsurprisingly, Mydnite followed, with a surprising-now-no-longer-surprising amount od dramatic angsty Mary-Sueness.

Ed, when he realised Mydnite was following him WAY down, he made breaststroke-like motions towards the ground.

"Mummy," Said one innocent 4-year-old, "Why is that man swimming in the air?"

"GOTCHA!!!"

Artimis caught Ed with a huge blast of air and lowered him down slowly and dropped him about half a metre from the ground.

"Thanks!" Grinned Ed. BUt his gaze traveled to Al. "What's up?"

"SHE..SHE'S ALLERGIC TO CATS!!!" Shrieked Al and fainted again, overpowered by OOCness.

Envy raised an eyebrow while Ling tried to keep his giggles under control. More accuratly, Greed's.

_**Oh man, I haven't had this much fun since Martel anounced a mud war against a bunch of brick-builder's children...**_

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**Will Al ever get over Artimis's allergy to cats? Will Hannah Montana die when we reach 43 reviews? Find out in the next chapter...Envy's Sue-opposition Camp Journal!**


	12. Envy's Journal

**Greetings! And here it is...Envy's Journal!!!**

**Sue Death Toll: 37...**

**This sucks. I think I'll do a few more chapters and then finish this story.**

**...Of course, more reviews might change my mind...**

**I do not own FMA.**

_

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_

_10/03/1902_

_Why the hell did Lust buy me a diary? I won't even use it. Besides, Diaries are too girly, so I'll just call it my journal._

_11/03/02_

_Anyway..._

_My name is Envy. I am 134, almost 135. Envy's a cool name._

_So yeah, I"ll be writing random stuff in here now otherwise Lust would skewer me with her nails._

_13/03/02_

_Great. Just Great._

_Pride decided to laugh at me just 'cos my dia...journal was pink. It wasn't funny. Pink's a manly colour too, y'know. _

_It's not even my fault. I wonder if Father would destroy my stone if I murdered Lust..._

_15/03/02_

_The Flame Alchemist just saved me the trouble of killing Lust. Who knew Lust hated fire that much? Oh well, he'll be a nice candidate...._

_Ooh, look. The midget! Gonna go mess with him along with Gluttony later. He's so much fun to play with._

_03/04/02_

_Dammit, Gluttony let loose his eye. Guess Lust's death's been pretty hard on the lil' fella._

_Took us ages to get out. Luckily Midget's clever thinking got us outta there. With my stone, of course._

_Father's pretty mad the shorty got away. And at me for depleting my stone so quickly. I just refueled two months ago..._

_Gotta go. Father says we've got a new member of the family._

_03/04/02_

_Watcha know! Greed's come back! He was the kind of rebellious guy. Didn't like to follow the rules of the family._

_He keeps talking to his host. Heard Wrath's got a pretty high opinion of him. Guess he isn't to bad._

_05/04/02_

_SO bored. Even though the day isn't too far away there's no news from shorty. Maybe I should ask father if I could host his soul in my stone...? He's pretty easy to wind up._

_At least I won't be bored._

_16/04/02_

_Screw the last entry. Greed's gone AWOL...again._

_Rumour has it he teamed up with shorty to take down Father._

_Poor guy. Father's gonna massacre them._

_18/04/02_

_ARGH!!! I got kidnapped by a girl! The shame...now I'm planted into a plant pot._

_22/04/02_

_Shrimp's here with his buddies and Greed's host! TO team up with them...I guess it'll be fun._

_23/04/02_

_A purple-eyed teen, shrimp being nice, armor-now-not-armor obsessed with cats, greed/host being retarded and a flying pop singer with hair that can block razor wind. I think I've seen everything now._

_04/05/02_

_On the run from a mad lady who's currently obsessed with titch. I foresee painful muscle cramps and a depleted stone._

_06/05/02_

_Wow._

_Shorty's become prince Charming II. The lady died of a seizure._

_What's this? Titch's blushing!!!! I'll ask later._

_06/05/02_

_That's uneventful. He had his WINTER COAT ON._

_Dammit, I thought he had a crush on someone...._

_09/05/02_

_Ooh, what's this now..._

_So Shorty DID have a crush on someone...non other than the ROckbells' daughter! Everyone else are laughing their asses off..._

_OH CRAP!!! A SUE'S GOT MEEEEEEEEEEEE...................._


	13. Unlucky Midget

**OMG I'm so happy! I finished all my exams!*Does retarded victory dance* Sorry for taking so long!**

**I don't own FMA.**

**Sue death Toll: 42 and I'm gonna kick out Hannah Montana out right now and replace her with Bella Swan. Damn Twilight.**

**Just to say, this is still a FMA fic. But I have been requested to put in a Bleach reference. Non-bleach fans may wait for the next chapter.**

**YAY FMA! i can't believe its finished. still, it's pretty awesome.**

**Guess what? I will give you the site for a Mary Sue litmus test, perfect for your OC needs!**

**.#part4**

**Good luck! And don't forget to review!**

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Envy closed his journal and went out into some random yard. Everyone else has gone to who-knows-where and Roy is...occupied.

_"NOO! STAY AWAY FROM ME! I'M TO GOOD-LOOKING TO DIE!"_

_A_nd...yeah..Mary Sues pop up in the most unexpected places.

Like the Men's restroom. Roy freaked out. I mean, who wouldn't? Seriously, I would kick them out of the window. (After screaming)

But anyway, Envy plonked himself on a conveniently placed chair and began to close his eyes. If only the sun way a little hotter the day would be perfect...

Oh this is tragic. For some 'Unknown' purpose, A Sue named Tickle Mary Lisa Gonna Nuke Oatmeal...Lhdyrbdsysj? Seriously, who came up with this name?

Anyway, Tickle launched herself into a cannon 10 kilometres away and flew at 160mph towards Envy.

Long-story-short, Envy Died. But being a homunculus he revived.

"OMG I'VE FOUND YOU! ENVY-SAN, YOU RESCUED ME FROM DESPAIR AFTER TOUSHIROU-KUN DIED! AT FIRST GLANCE, YOU WERE A COLD-BLOODED SOUL, BUT I FINALLY UNDERSTOOD YOUR HEART! THE WAY YOU SWEEPED ME AWAY FROM HARM!"

Envy was extremely confused. Hello, a mad sadistic homunculus being NICE? THe worlds ending...

"Please, you must help me to find Edward! He looks and sounds so much like Toushirou-kun that I...I..." Tickle exploded into hysterics.

"..."

_Meanwhile..._

_"_Atchoo!" Ed sneezed. Ling handed him a tissue in disgust.

"...I'm OK." Said Ed.

"...erm...brother..?"

"What is it, Al?"

"...Your hair's spiking up in random directions and turning white!"

"AHH! Crap, it must be all the times I went into Truth's house without knocking first and he wants REVENGE!"

"Brother, Truth doesn't have a door. Or a house for that matter. Maybe it's because you're growing."

"REALLY?"

"Well, your height has risen by approximatly 7 millimetres in the last two years..."

"OH YEAH! In 50 years time I'll be taller that Colonel Bastard!"

"Brother, that's not something to boast about."

"I thought I was pretty. They said I was pretty. I believed I was pretty. That turned me pretty. They said I was even more pretty. My enemies then thought I was pretty. They still think I'm pretty. So that made me think I was pretty. I still think I am pretty. I shall be pretty. I am looking for ways to make me look even more pretty. Do you think I am pretty?"

_ARGH! Must... think...of...midget...insults...! _Thought Envy.

**The Midget song. (LLAMA SONG STYLE)**

**BY Lightning Latias (Re-edited by Yours Truly)**

Here's a Midget, there's a Midget

Edward Elric is a Midget

Edward says "I'M NOT A MIDGET!"

Midget Midget Duck.

Winry-Mad Mechanic Midget

Armor Boy and Greed and Midget

I like to make fun of Midget

Midget Midget duck.

I was a Homunculus

I lived in the lair

But I never saw the way how

Armstrong lost his hair

Hawkeye shot the Colonel

He ran out of luck

Greed lost ALL his subordinates

And became a Duck.

Did you ever see a Midget

Injured Midget, frightened Midget

Winry chasing after Midget

Midget Midget Duck.

May the Xingese princess Midget

At first fell in love with Midget

Then she saw how short he was and

Made Midget a duck.

Now the war in Ishbals done

Marcoh's getting old

Xerxes remaines as a ruin

And Briggs is freezing cold

I'm now having lots of fun

Hughes ran out of luck

Kimbley's going on 'Rampage Mode'

Making bombs into a duck.

Have you ever seen a Midget

Yell at people "I'M NO MIDGET

THAT LITTLE GIRL OVER THERE'S THE MIDGET,

MIDGET MIDGET DUCK!"

After Midget heard the Midget

Insult Midget as a Midget

Midget planned to kill the Midget

Midget Midget Duck.

Fuery's lost his specs again

Hawkeye's lost her gun

Gluttony got mad at Roy

And then ate everyone

We escaped with my stone in tow

And drove off in a truck

Time for us to retire now

And become a duck!

"DAMN YOU ENVY!" Screamed Ed. "I CAN HEAR YOU!"

"Brother, stay still!"

"ARGH! HE CALLED ME MIDGET 30 TIMES! MUST...KILL...AUGH! MY EYES!"

"Brother, it isn't easy to put dye on a midget's hair!"

"..."

"Damn you, Al! YOu're insulting me too!"

"I'm sorry! The song's just so catchy!"

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**Hope you liked the song!**

**And please, review! Get Maru Sues off the planet some more by reviewing!**

**OMAKE!**

"_...Odd shaped egg laid by Hen! Farmer Jon overwhelmed by discovery..._

"I can't believe everyone's insulting me today!" Screamed Midg...sorry, Ed.

_"Well, maybe you'll grow some more by drinking THIS wonderful recipe!"_

Ed started paying attention to the radio.

"_Completely organic, this drink is packed with Vitamins, Protein, Iron, Zinc, Carbohydrates, and last but not least, CALCIUM! Try LUXBOOSTER Today!"_

Then Ed hyperventilated. He rushed to the nearest shop, snatched (and paid for) the drink. He chugged it down.

"Wow brother! You've grown by about a centimetre this week!"

"Yup! Thanks to this stuff!" Ed held a bottle of LUXBOOSTER at Al's face, drank its contents and placed the container on the table. He the headed out to buy something for Winry because it was nearly her birthday.

Al was quite curious about LUXBOOSTER ingredients. So naturally, he read them.

"Apple, rosemary, etc...nothing that's unhealthy, that's for sure."

He went on to read the allergy notices.

**Warning:Contains nuts and _Milk._**

**Once more, reviews please!**


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